Did you miss me?
Hey! Don’t give me the cold shoulder! Wait — come back here!
Oh, I know. I abandoned you right when things started getting interesting on Dancing With the Stars, including not blogging the finale which my last post promised I would. I KNOW, OK? I suck. I’m a terrible, unreliable blogger.
Please know that I am sorry. And that I love you. And that life was so busy I wasn’t even on the Trash Couch very much and it’s hard sometimes to make time for blog entries about terrible television.
So what brings me back from the ether, you ask? What has caused me to saddle up and climb astride the old blogging horse? I will tell you: KILTS. You win, ABC. Clearly someone at that network has my number. You have my full attention, now.
The Meal: Wonderful dinner provided mostly by Susan! London Broil on the grill, roast potatoes, spinach pie. Brussels sprouts done in 2 ways, cooked by Gar-bear. Cheesecake selection for dessert.
On the couch: Tsarina Deb, Sloman, Neighbor Wendy, Silent Partner Rob, Susan, Prent(!), Gar-de-bear, the blogger.
The Show: The Bachelorette, season 8, ep. 6
Assessment: I actually missed the first 4 episodes of this season, so last week I had a lot of catching up to do with this show. Encouragingly, Emily got rid of dead weight early on in the season, it seems. Including that dumbass Kalon. Also last week they were in LONDON, which made me insanely jealous as it’s one of my favorite cities and it pained me to see Emily saying dumb things about date locations (such as calling the Tower of London “London Tower” and trying to spout out tour guide knowledge about Henry VIII). (Oh and don’t even get me started on the Shakespeare portion of that episode.)
Anyway, this week. They’re in Croatia, which does look pretty and has lots of great architecture and cobblestone streets. Emily’s first one-on-one date is with Travis, and prior to getting the date card, Travis said it was “imperative” that he get a date with Emily or else he would just leave. Whatever, Travis. She’s got 6 other boyfriends, do you not know how this show works? Also, doing some catch up work on the Internet informed me that Travis apparently carried around an egg for the first 3 episodes or some such nonsense. I’m over this dude already.
Emily and Travis go ambling around Dubrovnik, stopping to admire sculptures and purchase, bizarrely, a holy water font. I think Emily or Travis probably just liked the cross, but the second I saw it I was transported back to St. Mary’s grade school and my grandmother’s house. They also take some time to dance condescendingly for local street musicians.
And then there was this whole bit about the local tradition of balancing on this stone and removing either your shirt or jacket, which if achieved will bring luck in love. Travis barely manages to balance and makes no effort to remove his shirt, to Emily’s disappointment. Foreshadowing, Travis!
At dinner Travis is talking about busting out of the friend zone and talking about how he hasn’t dated in 2 years since his engagement broke up. Which makes me feel bad for the guy, but Travis: You carried around an egg for 3 weeks. You’re not busting out of the friend zone. Emily spots this pretty quick too, and decides not to present him with a rose. Which sucks for Travis (who dramatically throws his umbrella, exhibiting more passion and personality than seen on the actual date with Emily), but it’s better she did this now rather than later. Don’t worry buddy, you’ll find someone.
Group date time! So because ABC is a partner with Disney, we get treated to a 10-minute commercial for Brave, which is fine by me, because I adore Pixar and I’m quite excited about this flick with it’s kick-ass female heroine that is not a just princess and appears to do shit for herself and not have the ultimate goal of getting married. I will point out that it was stupid to do this in Croatia, though. You were just in the UK, ya numpties. Why not leave London and go to Glasgow or Edinburgh for this cross-promotion? Clearly this was not planned out very well.
ANYWAY, I’m quibbling over things here, because watching Brave leads to the men donning kilts, sweet Jesus, THANK YOU.
I make no apologies for my adoration of men in kilts. Seriously. Look at them up there! There’s something so dashing about a man in a kilt. Think Liam Neeson in Rob Roy. And paired with those muscle shirts? I love this ensemble. They all look so good. If I were the Bachelorette, do you know how many group dates I would make be like this one? ALL OF THEM.
Anyway, Jef (seriously, that’s how you spell your name? Also, Jason Priestly circa 1992 called and wants his hair back) refers to the kilts as “skirts,” which aggravates me. It’s not a skirt, dude. It’s rugged and awesome, OK? And then the date keeps getting better and better, because they’re going to compete in the Highland games. Please excuse me while I post lots of pictures of the men in kilts competing:
OK, let’s talk for a moment about Chris — everyone was giving him shit (including Sloman from the couch) for not being very good at the Highland games. But this is where Chris really endeared himself to me. Because even though he didn’t do well, he kept trying and had a good attitude about it all. More than that, he tried to challenge himself, too. He was good at laughing at himself and kept putting forth effort. And if I’ve learned anything from my bout of heartbreak in the past year, you want someone that tries, that makes an effort. If I can take a moment to put this in Bachelorette-speak, because heaven forbid we don’t make a ham-handed metaphor about the date event, but: this shows that Chris is going to put the same emphasis and value on making your relationship work. Or whatever. (I’m actually stunned Emily didn’t make that comparison herself during an interview.)
Emily seemed to agree with me, because she gave Chris the Bravery cup and also the rose that night.
Then we’re shown a nice little montage of Ryan getting ready for his one-on-one date, including talking heads from all the guys about how none of them like him. “He spends 3 hours getting ready for his date, including plucking finger hair. It’s weird,” one of them said. Ha! I have to agree. This guy is… shallow. And smarmy. I get a giant “EW” vibe from him, even more so when I learn that he told Emily in an early episode that he wouldn’t love her if she gained weight. Can we all just marvel for a moment that Emily didn’t kick this dickwad to the curb at that moment. Emily, seriously?
Emily comes to the Man Lair to pick up Ryan, and we get to witness a hilariously awkward moment where Ryan tries to smooth-talk Emily in front of them, all “The world is our oyster and you’re the pearl” or something equally oleaginous. Also in this scene, about 40% of the men are wearing hoodies for some reason, with the hood half-way up on their heads. It looks pretty goofy, and my theory is that there was some mucking around prior to Emily arriving. I wish I’d found a screencap of it. Anyway, after they leave, the remaining men collapse into giggles at how awful Ryan is, which makes me love them all.
So Ryan and Emily go oystering and blah blah blah…. all I took away from this date is that Ryan is really really full of himself and cannot read women at all. The word “douche” was liberally used on the Trash Couch to describe Ryan, and I have to agree: He’s a Summer’s Eve with feet, basically. His overuse of the term “trophy wife” did nothing to endear him to myself or Emily. In fact, she even called him on his use of the term, and he was so fucking thick to still think that it’s a compliment — because in Ryan-logic, trophies are good, right? So a woman must want to be a trophy for her man. Christ, what a misogynistic piece of work. He literally says to her, “You’ll make someone a great trophy wife,” right after she points out how she doesn’t want to be a trophy wife.
And really, Emily, I have no sympathy for you, because you allowed this sexist pig to remain on the show. You’ve enabled this chauvinistic buttnut. At dinner, Ryan pulls out an actual list of qualities his wife will have. I am not even fucking kidding you when I say one of the items on the list is “be a servant.” I SHIT YOU NOT. Ryan goes on to explain that means putting family first, but seriously? You just told a woman that your ideal partner is a servant.
Emily looks more and more uncomfortable as the list goes on and on… and she tells Ryan that the top of her list would be “a loving family,” which doesn’t even feature on his list. Emily, this is what you focus on? I would have told him “Top of my list is someone who thinks of me as a human being instead of a goddamned knickknack to be displayed and perhaps understands the meaning of the word ‘feminism.'” In any event, Emily doesn’t give Ryan the rose, and the entire Trash Couch cheered.
Ryan is stunned.
Ryan continues to try and sell himself to Emily after she rejects him, because he’s a winner right? Winners don’t loose out on their trophies! He argues that they have so much potential together! And then Emily waffles, because apparently she has the memory of a goldfish. Do you not remember that moment 90 seconds ago where he told you he wanted you to be a FUCKING SERVANT?
Emily voice-overs that this is the first time she isn’t 100% sure of her decision, and are you kidding me Emily? REALLY? I just shaved 50 points off of your IQ if you’re unsure about this self-centered dicksmack.
Ryan tells her to “trust herself,” which initially I thought was the smartest and nicest thing he’d said to her all night, but then I realized he was telling her to trust her doubts about letting him go. Regardless, no rose for Ryan. We are then treated to an adorable moment back at the Man Lair where the remaining dudes full-on hug each other in jubilation when they see Ryan’s suitcase being wheeled out; they hate him that much. Deliciously, this is contrasted by Ryan voice-overing how “shocked” the other guys will be when he doesn’t come home.
There’s also a great moment when Jef says Ryan is the type of guy who will now think he’ll be the next Bachelor, to which Arie replies, “If Ryan’s the next Bachelor, then the next bachelorette is a mirror.” FULL MARKS TO ARIE FOR THAT LINE. Bravo.
Then there’s a whole bit where Arie sneaks off to visit Emily, which the commercials and previews made out to be dramatic, but it’s mostly just sweet.
Cocktail party! I’m not going through a whole recap of this thing, except to say: Gar-bear posits that Emily needed a better bra for that dress to give her some “lift.” Also, Emily makes the “shocking” decision to not send anyone home at the Rose Ceremony and keep both Doug and John so she can get to know them better. And now they’re all headed to Prague.
Overall, I think Emily has an OK crop of men remaining now. No one is outwardly offensive and all seem like really nice, sweet guys. They also seem to get along well with one another, so that’s refreshing. Although next week there’s apparently some “drama” because Arie used to date a producer from the show. My predictions, based off of watching exactly 2 episodes of this show: Final 3 will be Sean, Arie, and Chris. I think Doug and John aren’t long for this world, with Jef close behind.
One more photo of guys in kilts, riding donkeys, just because: